jokes on Monday, 30 September 2013

by Sohail September 30, 2013 at 9:39 am

A woman and her lover in bed.
Lover:
– Your husband standing with a rifle goes, if he catches us, then just shoot me.
– Do not worry, I’m all five rounds in the cage replaced by blanks.
At this point comes the husband, the lover rushes to the window, the husband shoots and puts him on the spot. A little surprise:
– I thought that the shooter is not fit anywhere, just on the hunt from seven meters, a huge moose, five times to get but could not. ******

Therapist with illegible handwriting, writing out a prescription, accidentally wrote a poem in Old Japanese. ******

Around some hair salons and banks, as people walk shaggy and no money! … ******

In the West clenched his fists and straighten the fingers one by one:
“First … Second …”.
And we have the opposite – first rastopyrivat fingers, and then one is folded into a fist. This is so that if someone does not understand – just five points in the snout. ******

Long ago, the wife of my friend got a job after graduation to work in a factory (satellites there any do). She has designed it in KB. So once called her from the pilot production plant and say, “Urgent come with your detail here the problem.” She runs the shop, taking the drawings. To meet her – the foreman. You said, charted detail “castellated nut”? I meet his wife, and that the problem? Why, admire, says the head of the shop, and someone waving a hand. In response, there are two hard workers who puffing roll out the nut weight by 30 pounds and two feet in diameter. This, they say, your mistakes when what was on the sizes you put down?
Centimeters?
With his wife fainted and fell all the drawings of her hands …
Then it turned out that it’s corny joke shop and the nut was made ​​10 years ago to create a sense of inferiority among young professionals. ******

Modern painting – is when you buy a picture to close it a hole in the wall, and come to the conclusion that the hole looks much better. ******

Plumbing Vasya called “Watercolours”, because it works only when it refueled with alcohol ******

95% of women are looking for some kind of a man, and on the signs are one and the same man. Scary decent, teetotal, kind, material and housing provided with a manic love for other people’s children and divorced women, and, in spite of all these advantages, for some reason he is still blank! No one has ever seen it, but everyone is convinced that he’s out there …******

Policeman stops the black gelding with smoked glass for speeding.
Otkryvetsya glass there mate, turning away, something is dug, then abruptly turns and yells:
– Woof !
Policeman rebounds and goggles. Brother smiles and says:
– Do not be afraid – and pointing to the belt – you see, I’m tied. ******

– And I really think that between the animal and the owner is an invisible bond …
Then one day my cat injured her foot, so I just somehow got sick leg …
– Blah! I HAVE A FUTURE CAT castrated! ******

– That’ll be a fine of 250 rubles for insulting a police officer!
– Take a thousand and listen more … ******

A police officer driving by parking lot, where the car is parked.
Approaching closer, he sees that the guy sitting in the car and the girl. Man reading a magazine, she knits socks.
A police officer approaches the driver’s window and asked the guy:
– What do you do here?
Guy:
– What, do not you see? The magazine I read.
Policeman:
– And is she?
Guy:
– Socks knits.
Policeman:
– How old are you?
Guy:
– Nineteen.
Policeman:
– And the girl?
Man (looking at his watch):
– Ten minutes will be eighteen. ******

Egyptian Sharks have seen a lot, but the Russian saying, “Wow, Dolphins!> Afraid of until now. ******

Ilya Muromets rides through the woods. Suddenly, with oak boorish voice is heard Nightingale the Robber:
– So, man. With the horse – tears, mace, armor, boots in a pile, on top of headstock.
Oh, and do not forget to bend over then – I will love you, not for long, but the clumps!
Ilya% of Uel:
– What are you, a moron? Come on, come here now x% y otsosesh!
Nightingale pulls out a mobile phone, call:
– Alley, the Dragon? Count up, one goat quite oborzel. Says, get down, x% y will suck. What? No, I do not know his name. Hey, schmuck, you as a name?
– Ilya Muromets!
– Hey, Dragon, said Ilya Muromets … Opa! Yeah … Yes. Got it. Slazil … ******

Damn, it’s because you had to get drunk to call at 2 am his girlfriend and offer to go to the heifers! ******

Grandma comes into the bus and all at once it became interesting to look out the window. ******

Ofigel morning already so that it also allows himself to be cold. ******

Ad in the garden.
Dear Parents, watch your behavior after the weekend, all the kids at the breakfast table clink! ******

The priest asks Vovochka:
– Tell me, do you pray before you eat?
– No. My mom is a good cook. ******

Sober tractor confused and does not know how to drive a tractor. ******

– Yesterday woke up and you were gone. Where have you been, dear?
– Where are you awake, dear? ******

The meter installed at Basmanny Court suddenly changed his testimony. ******

Restaurant “As my mother.” We have a delicious and cheap! But we get to eat up. ******

Do not give money to the debt the person to whom you can not give pussy. ******

Why is the word “dick” in the Word with red highlights? I did it with no errors written. ******

– If a man says that he is in charge of the house, then he is not married.
– Do not just single, and he is not even a cat. ******

– Lucy, and “naherachitsya” – a verb?
– No, Marina, naherachitsya – is the goal. ******

Tale: there was a rabbit hut Bast, and the fox ice. In the spring melted the fox hut, and a rabbit was burned, burnt spring Paloma. And both the mortgage for another 15 years to pay …******

Effect of time on the language:
Strange, but the word “Energetic” is no longer associated with the profession. ******

My brother – oilman. He often comes to visit me, but spends the night I have very rarely.
He usually finds in Moscow and some well bores her until he leaves. ******

Before you scold a child, think of yourself at his age, pat him on the head, kiss her and go drink valerian. ******

Falling pine momentarily woke Petrova .. ******

If a man begins to say that friendship is more important than love, then sex therapist, alas, was powerless. ******

Kid and Carlson, Winnie the Pooh and Rabbit. Their example proves once again – the friendship will be much stronger if at least one has to devour it. ******

If you nine times in a row called the girl, and every time she was wrong number, then on the tenth time she will say, “We’ve got you’ve already, asshole!” ******

You’re really lonely, if I call you “bro” only Gopnik, you say, “Hello, Grandma” only neighbor, sitting on a bench at the door, ask for “help, Sister” only clinic workers, shouting “take it easy, kids’ only from the window of a neighbor’s tomboy, and “expensive” only speak potatoes at the market. ******

When the time comes to die, I regret konstatiruesh fact that the Man Upstairs there is no hope for well red tape. ******

About what she was stupid, the wife usually understood in the second year of marriage, her husband – the day after the wedding. ******

An example of a happy marriage Pugacheva Galkin and proves once again – you can be happy even if your wife is much older than you … especially when women do not interest you at all … ******

In her case, when her work both hemispheres, they just rub against each other in jeans. ******

Do you remember school? While the phrase sounded a teacher, “Now, go to the board …”, someone got microinfarction, someone had time to pray, and some managed to learn a half homework. ******

The actual problem of humanity: “What to see, as long as you eat in front of a computer?” ******

In the Colombian Army front hundred grams give an unexpected effect. ******

Wife changes in the marital bed linen.
In the bedroom a little girl comes and asks:
– Mom, what are you doing?
– Can not you see it? Bed linen changing.
In the eyes of the child has a spark of wonder and wickedness, followed by a question:
– Piss or what? ******

Inductee Tremble! The Ministry of Defence is developing special orthopedic canvas boots for soldiers with flat feet! ******

The couple – at the reception of the therapist:
Doctor: – There are various ways to build relationships after quarrels. This is a joint shopping, and presents and surprises, sex, after all …
Husband: – Do you hear – sex!
Wife: Since the end and not at the beginning and not instead rest! ******

The couple – at the reception of the therapist: 
Doctor: – There are various ways to build relationships after quarrels. This is a joint shopping, and presents and surprises, cekc, in the end …
Husband: – Do you hear – cekc! 
Wife: Since the end and not at the beginning and not instead rest! ******

Feel the pain of being a woman in front of you when the ten shades of red nail polish, and all are not like you have to. ******

More recently learned that in Italian nano – is gnome. Now I can not normally perceive the word “nanotechnology”: So imagine the bearded dwarf who picks and hammers, rivet something futuristic. ******

– I bought a lipstick that lasts six o’clock. She pulls my lips! – It does not contract, so it is grabbed by! ******

– Girl, you’re married? 
– No! Occasionally and bonds. ******

I’m on the phone there is a button to “On. Bl.” I suspect that somewhere should be a button to” Off. tries. ” ******

What I snow, I heat, 
What am I pouring rain, 
When I was constantly at work. ******

– What is different from the cheerful biker sad? 
– Have a fun biker teeth midge! ******

In cold weather, very easy to distinguish from the beautiful smart girls. Clever wear hats, beautiful – cherish hairstyles … ******

Young family with a young son come to watch the purchased apartment. 
The child is looking at a blank wall and says: 
– And here we have a shelf doses *** them. 
Father gives cuff and asks: 
– Got it? 
– Got it. 
– What is right? 
– What’s on the shelf here ** is not required. ******

I must confess to you that my only drawback – it is sincerity, my bow-legged chubby. ******

If you do not know what to buy the girl, tell her that have already bought a gift and ask her pootgadyvat. It will list what they want. ******

A woman can forgive a man who nasoril in just cleaned the apartment, only in one case: if it squanders money. ******

Leaving children alone in the house, and teach them to respond to all the calls, “Mom and Dad are busy. They clean and lubricate the gun. ” ******

I am a child granny in the country clobbered that if you kill a frog rain will pour long. Thus harnessed carry water from the pond for watering flower beds.
So I frogs herachil board … ******

Lived in a log cabin Bear, Wolf and Hare. At Bear was a stash of vodka.
One day he went into the forest, and the Wolf with the Hare stayed home. Bunny is coming to Wolf and says:
– Let’s have a drink!
– What are you, then we bear head blown off.
– Do not worry, he will be about vodka ask you, most importantly, make your eyes more, they say, and do not even see her, and then somehow wiggle out.
They drank, they bear a nest egg. In the evening, Bear discovered the theft and ask – Where’s my vodka?
In Wolf’s eyes on five kopecks, and the hare, and he says:
– Well, then puffed out his little eyes, tell me everything Uncle Misha! ******

When you live in a new house, of course you get acquainted with your neighbors. With some exchange numbers if you need to cross more on home improvement.
I became acquainted with a neighbor with 5 floors. We stand on the ground, talking, decided to exchange numbers. His name is Michael, he asked how I was, and began to drive in my room, and I am his.
A name Tell him not to be confused with others.
-Look, for example, I write down only the names, pointing out that a neighbor and what floor-I told him-that dial me’ll see, it’s convenient.
It recruits and becomes the row. The phone rang, and to highlight the inscription
“Misha.Soset by 5”
Error has crept, but for the first time, it was very embarrassing ….))) ******

The chief sent a sms from Greece:
– Che in the office of a good thing?
– You no. ******

A friend working at the court told the small sysadmin:
called his aunt, sitting in a small office. Key inserted in the lock from outside the door.
dialogue takes place:
-You forgot the key of the door pull.
Well, so what?
-What if you have someone close?
-A young man, 20 years old I was a judge, who will close the I-th-that? ******

Be our friend, who, working demolitions invented the rally. Gutted cartridge explosives, detonation flicking out, rolled in a dry backfill mass there, stuck a piece of fuse (which laymen “Bickford” name) and linked the whole thing so that it is even closer examination was similar to the “patron-thriller” (so red Paper sausage tridtsatisantimetrovaya that undermines the basic charge at the time of the explosion).
Let loose on the face of the universal sadness during the break to go to slesarku drillers and villages, so sad. All tea is drunk – he sits and sniffs. All jokes grass – he sits puffing. All of his exploits on the ground alkogoleupotrebleniya describe – he sits puffing.
Finally, we note his silence. Ask, what are you doing, he says, are you?
And he says that he has no life is not sweet – children abandoned it, the wife seems to be on the side runs, # # # # in. Yes, now the chief met and ran into trouble. And not to see him the prize as their ears.
– What for me all this? – Screams. He pulls out of the bag and lanyard thriller singeing. A lace, unfortunately, is short – about five seconds from power. And for those five and twenty seconds of slesarki through Makhonko managed to jump out the door. Ran back around the corner and breathe – take the rap. At this point, it steaming round the corner and flies cry is heard: “Guys, I’ve changed my mind!”
They say they beat joker long and tasteful … ******

Buy watches over five million is not cool, cool to be able to sell them.
Ancient Jewish wisdom ******

Young couple has breakfast.
He is:
– My favorite, eggs!
It is:
– Cool or soft-boiled?
He is:
– Just a pat! ******

– Vasya, in our office, major changes are coming …
– How do you know?
– Today Monitors search history, and so, our boo looking for “Criminal Code of the Russian Federation”, “organic poisons”, “how to hide the body” and the “climate of Magadan” ******

– I use a brush Rich, she brushes her teeth, even in hard to reach places, and you?
– And I do not have teeth in hard to reach places. ******

– A girl show tongue.
– Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah …
– Thank you, I weigh 2 kg of beef. ******

– And my mother-in with incredibly lucky.
– Heuzheli? And where did you find such a treasure?
– Dig in, buddy. Buried. ******

New Russian early to come to work and can not find secretary. Finally finds her in his office in a spicy pose with his deputy.
– Listen, Deputy! I’m not saying that this is my secretary, my office working hours. But it must be closed! And hang the ad, saying that the meeting, do not worry.
– Understood, chief, will not happen again! 
New Russian early return home. Wives of nowhere. Only the bedroom locked from the inside, and weighs a note on the door: “Meeting. Not Disturb.” ******

The peasant throat. In general almost can not speak: or wheezing or whisper.
He remembered that a neighbor for a couple of floors above the doctor. Rises ringing. Opens the neighbor’s wife.
He naturally whispers, “Your house?” 
She whispers says: “Another two hours will not come in” … ******

Accounting I: – What is the reason for the write-off of the monitor can be noted in 1C?
I am – Nerabotet sts.ka..
Accounting I: – Nah, need a reason.
I: – Increased entropy of the sun put out of action phase inverter generator radiation.
Accounting I: – A is easier?
I: – Does not work sts.ka. .. ******

Standing at the edge of the forest of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet.
Pooh:
– And where it touches the comb @ tion oslyatina?
Piglet:
– Yes, yes. This rowed @ tion oslyatina!
Pooh:
– That dastardly ass for grass, as for death to send!
Piglet:
– Yes, yes! Vile ishachinu!
Because of the tree shows Eeyore with a bag of cannabis.
Piglet:
– Oh, you rowed @ tion despicable oslyatina ishachatina …
From a terrible blow to the scoreboard Piglet is flying to the ground.
– For what, Winnie?
– How are you, Bitch, talking with friends? ******

– Why did you not spend the night at home today?
– Lord, five years every morning the same thing … ******

Gay comes to the tattoo parlor:
– You know, I’m so in love with her boyfriend Boria! Vytatuiruyte on my left buttocks bukovku “B”!
Again comes in 2 days:
– You know, I’m so in love with her boyfriend Boria! Vytatuiruyte me in the right buttocks bukovku “B”!
Returns home. Houses – Boris. Night of love. Boris tilts his friend … (Furious):
– Bob? What other Bob? ******

And I think that the “Bebebe” – the win-win argument in any dispute!
– No, a win-win argument – this is the question: “And Cho?”
– I’m on your “And Cho?” I can say “Bebebe.”

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