jokes on Monday, 21 oct 2013

 jokes on Monday, 21 oct 2013

– Hello, and Peter V. possible? – How do you provide? – Imagine me naked, please. ****** In the proverb does not say what to do if you’re not after two hares, and they are for you. **** ** xxx: I’m going to train. The usual thing, no signs of trouble. Sitting in front of woman, 50 years old, chews gooseberries. After finishing the meal, took out his jaw and licked. Right in front of me without straining. My life will not be the same. ****** Director oldest parachute school, goes to work for them for only two months instructor: – Very often people after his first jump literally fall into the sky, this fantastic feeling of free flight, and after the lapse of years, completing his earthly journey, asking them to bury near the place where they experienced these incomparable experience. And this is a large cemetery near the airfield and is the place. And that’s it so detailed it all and you need to explain, and then you have the third group of the new set ran away, because you are saying only that it was a cemetery paratroopers our school. ****** If the wife terrible mood, move on safe distance and throw it in a purse. ****** I had to somehow leave my little brother with his grandmother for a couple of weeks. Mama called home every day – my grandmother reported back that everything is in order, they say, the child eats well, dressed warmly , to attend school. Play, says to him a lot. What are you playing? In the school. He kind of teacher, and I, as a student, sitting at a desk! Only at the end of the second week of my grandmother realized that playing with 9-year old Kirill to school, she regularly performed all his homework … ** **** somehow lay in the hospital. In the House brought the night man after surgery. It is moving away from the anesthesia, screaming songs, waving his hands. In general, took out all but the story is not about that. In the morning, a man oklemalsya. He got up to walk. Stand – smoke, then he hobbles down the hall from the last effort in the office of the Head. offices, which it operated. Forehead covered in sweat, his eyes bulging. Ran a nurse. After five minutes of seeing the picture – falls head. separation of the office, is bent in half with laughter, words can not say, and all repeats: “You fool, you fool …”. Then, when we were treated to his cigarette, he said that a man asked what he was cut.The doctor replied that an inguinal hernia. At that guy with a tremor in his voice, said that he went in the morning “pee-pee” and did not find members. Summoned a nurse who razbintovala. It turned out that the doctor was assisted by an inexperienced trainee and bandage all male wealth to the leg. The man then long resented and threatened povydergivat feet followers of Hippocrates. But it could be worse … ****** Arrives Satan to God in heaven and says: – Take I have one sinner! All the devils interrupted, climbed on my throne and yells, “Where is the transition to the next level?” ****** Creek Russian tourists at the airport in Washington, “Allah, I am in a bar!” made crap 1,300 Americans, including 19 police officers. ****** Women! Remember! You – not laundresses, not the dishwasher, do not cook, cleaning lady … you do not – the angels of purity! The priestesses of the order! Goddess of comfort! Home – this is your temple! (do not you just explained …) ****** Month is not sitting behind the wheel, finally sat down … All on the road screaming, arms waving. Did you miss, you devils! … ****** Sweet parable. in the old-old days the Lord blinded ten Adamov. One of them was plowing the land, the other sheep, the third – was fishing … After a while they came to his Father with the request: – Everything is there, but something is missing. It’s boring to us. Lord gave them the dough, and said: – Let each blind in his image a woman who likes what – full, thin, tall, petite … And I breathed life into them. Thereafter, Lord introduced a sugar dish and said – here are ten pieces. Let each one take from one and give to his wife to life with her ​​was sweet. All have done so. And then the Lord said: – Among you there are a knave, because on the platter was eleven pieces of sugar. Who took the two pieces? Everyone was silent. Lord took them wives, mixed them, and then handed out who got what. Since then, nine out of ten men think that a strange woman is sweeter because she ate an extra piece of sugar. And only one of Adam knows that all women are the same, for an extra lump of sugar eaten it myself … ****** In the first class, the teacher gives an assignment: to name and describe the most valuable thing that is known to the students. Petechka stood up and told him about my dad’s car. Helen – about my mother’s a diamond necklace. Little Johnny stands up and says: – Menstruation! teacher already choked: – Little Johnny! What are you talking about? Do you even know what that is? Little Johnny says: – What is this I do not know, but I know that it is – something very valuable, because this morning when my older sister announced that she was missing her, my mother fell fainted, dad sufficed heart attack, and the neighbor shot! ****** Went to the supermarket, bought gum “Orbit”. At the box office: – Package for? – Three come on! Suddenly, one broken. ****** woman came to the first secretary of the district committee and complains – the husband walks. He says: – This can not be! – Yes, here’s the proof – women’s briefs brought. – Well, well, call, talk, – promised as First Secretary and panties wrapped and placed in a drawer. Then I remembered that there will be a delegation from the regional committee. And shift them to the portfolio. Came home in a good mood. son asked for a movie, and the mother was not trifles, turned to his father. And he said – Let the mother take in the portfolio. ‘s mother in the portfolio saw a bundle, deployed, and says: – Well, John, I have two of the day, these cowards looking for them and you happen to be in the portfolio are wearing! ****** Prepodavate: – A good sire View Manufacturers must commit to twelve copulations per day … A woman’s voice from the front row: – How much? Teacher : – Up to twelve. female voice from the front row: – Repeat this for the last several loud! male voice from the back row: – Sorry, it’s a single-core or twelve? Teachers: – Of course, with twelve! male voice from the back row: – Repeat this loud for the first row! … ****** great way to lift your mood – read Cumerki on Ukrainian: – Skilke you rokiv? – Simnadtsat: – And yak dovga Toby simnadtsat? – vzhe so – I know you hto! – Tell Bello, tell Tones ! – You’re a ghoul! ****** Three o’clock in the morning. The husband and wife are sleeping. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Her husband, a mother, goes to open. Man standing in the doorway, obviously screwy: – Friend, come with me, near here, will you help me tolkanut. – You, man, ohrenel, or what? Three hours of the night. Go ask someone else. husband falls back into bed. The wife asks who came along. – Yes, a goat stuck, asked him to push on. I sent it. – You’re just a beast of some kind. Remember how we engine died, but the rain and we were a guy pushing an hour? What are you, a person can not help out? husband, cursing again, gets out of bed and dressed.Overlooking the yard in the dark. Shouts: – Man! Where are you? Out of the darkness: – Here I am! Come here! – But where is here? – Well, here on the swing! ****** If she knew what he was telling friends in the bath, that many would be surprised that that ridiculous sex, and lasted for 15 seconds, called “eight sticks per night.” ****** On the thirtieth year of his life Andrei Gubin realized that eating overdue “Marshmallow Froot Loops!” ****** Nikolay Valuev still does not know that United Russia – the party of crooks and thieves. Him all are afraid to say … ****** Minesweeper Ivanov hates it when he is forced to take work home. ****** on me as a child had pinned a lot of hopes. This and crushed …… ****** If our man takes a large amount of credit for a longer period under the extortionate interest rates, then the doctors told him that there is no hope of recovery. ****** – What doing? – fraud. – Bureaucrat? – Hemorrhoids!****** Included with the cap of invisibility socks-nevonyayki required. ****** ministers gathered at the regular meeting of the government and Prime Minister still no. An hour passed, then another, gathered waiting … Finally, ran out of breath Prime: – You know, a pipe burst at home, his wife at work, had to wait for plumbing. Then he went on the damn traffic jams! “What did not come up, so as not to admit that hung on twitter!” – Think of the ministers. ******Plumber Sidorov after cleaning the collector read tenants abusive lecture on how to use sanitation. ****** Plumber Sidorov, taking after working on the chest, I decided to pay a visit to the Spanish king. On hearing this, the king abdicated. ****** man when a woman, as a chemist in his laboratory: he watches his incomprehensible processes, which he himself had initiated. ****** Old people are born and die alone and yet, it is still not translated. ****** Judging by the fact that the shops are inundated with products simply “identical to natural,” the authorities approve it and consider perfectly normal. It would be fair and consistent with their parties to allow such citizens to pay money products are very similar to the real thing. ****** People – strange creatures: do nasty things to each other, and ask God for forgiveness. ****** in my life – as in a bath, Wilt – soared, you want – do not. ****** We have every businessman – a man of action: it is often not openly one criminal case. ****** – Why is income tax so-called? – Because that he pay all the running until starve. ****** – You say you have a layout of the website is made ​​under the iPhone, and on my site does not fit into the screen! – And what brand your iPhone? – Samsung-approved, and it Important? ****** Cats hate to be in the event of illness carry a veterinary clinic because the doctor usually when viewed exclaims: “And you have not castrated cat? Maybe at the same time solve this problem? ” ****** husband who is not henpecked, independent, demanding the case, having an opinion on any subject is called “you give me all the nerves exhausted, you bastard.” **** ** At the wedding, the witness said: – Unfortunately, I do not know the bride, so I can not congratulate the bride. But I know very well the bride, so I can not congratulate the bride … ****** Creek Russian tourists at the airport in Washington, “Allah, I am in a bar!” made crap 1,300 Americans, including 19 police officers. ****** car – it’s not a luxury, a luxury – gasoline. ****** Sales, frying pans with non-stick coating electronically: when food starts to burn, you automatically off the Internet. ****** Honey, if I seduce your husband, we will remain friends? – No. – We will become enemies? – No. – Then what? – We’re even! ****** Home the risk of new smart TVs that respond to voice commands, that when watching matches of the Russian national football team, he will be permanently switched to the harsh gay porn channels. ****** – Daddy, what further from Berdichev, Moon or Zhytomyr! – Sam, Do not bullshit a mine head! Come to the window. You see the moon? – I see. – A Zhitomir? ****** letter from the Tax Inspectorate: “Dear citizen, we return you to rework your tax return. Under” Dependents “can not be specified: Government officials and half a million Chechens.” * ***** departed, stepladder taught electrician Sidorova sit on twine. ****** We are looking for a guy with my one-bedroom apartment. Dialogue: – one-bedroom apartment, but the rent is cheaper, because you have to take care of two cats. – How much? – 18 – A little pricey of course, they can go a couple of cats hooked? ****** Gosha Kutsenko and Fyodor Bondarchuk at first glance, these are different people, but if you look at them from above, the birth mother can not distinguish. ****** I know you love the funny stories of life, I want to tell you one: As a couple of years ago I went into a bar to drink beer, well, all the tables are occupied, sat down at the table to the man, who was alone in front of him and stood on the table stoparik with vodka and nothing more. means I drink beer, talk on the phone, and the man sitting not drink, well, I asked him – “A man does not drink human or with whom?”. “Yes” – he says, “no friends – and one I do not drink.” I asked him then – “and where you have friends?” Man – “yes we are scattered on the fate of the corners of history ..”. I ask – “what happened?”.history man: “Here he met in a bar with a friend – drank poisoned jokes, well, we were talking about life, where everyone is working. A friend told me that he was a big shot, the head works well clear cause nothing else can only lead. ” I told him, too, told myself I work as a plumber, opened its IP, changing tubes, and the like. In general then sat normally and decided to meet here in a week. A week later we meet, as usual, pour each other entertained. Well, my friend asked me, “You kind of expert on the pipes? Help me please me as a friend – come home to me unclog drains. So I told him,” OK, “I say, I think he is the head of human plows, as he cleans the pipe from shit- decided to help. went to him, the case did go to the bar after a drink each other entertained, sit norms. friend happy – shouts – “Yes, I’ll do advertising, the whole town knows that you are an expert on cleaning the pipes have.” Well, raced , a friend turned out to be a bunch of my closest friends, all of them are cones work well, and they began to call me to his shit clean, I’m happy to try to think how much my friends and bumps appeared all I need all, well, of course money is not took over the work, Thanks, and please tell enough friends yet! rang day and night to urgently – I’m leaving work, family – run Druganov skipping to the rescue! And as usual we meet at the bar – chipped in stolnik – drunk-poshumeli, super all, Friends, my other friends told me about her-well, thank me started, dropped everything – work, family, go brush my shit all day! And early in the morning as my best friend calls and tells me: “I have the pipe again shit is blocked, and you’re the last week cleaning and apparently Kouevi you cleaned them, karoche let me go and brush your normal, and then I want to shit with a hangover still have a headache, I yesterday with my best friends at the barbecue was buzzing, and a bottle of vodka necessarily buy me along the way, must get drunk, all right? “. And then something in me turned around, my friend turns out to have friends better than me, and the tone of his come-do-it, it still vodka. And I thought, and it is to me want? I sent him to his best friends in the dark woods away!. ” After this man rose up from the table and walked away, but not drunk vodka remained a long time, I was sitting and digesting his story looking at his stoparik with vodka. And I thought – man goof, it serves him right! I have normal friends – to me this would never happen! ****** He: – Before you were fatter. she: – Blah, not “before you were fatter” and “you’re very thin!”Learn how to make compliments to the ladies! ****** middle of the lake in the boat sits a man, fishing. A long time sitting … do not bite. – God – man pleaded, – you went to me at least one big fish! Emerges tiger shark: – Well …?****** I want to go back in the time of Stalin’s repression, reform and executions. Mom says when ice cream was delicious. ****** – Children riddle: who puts its eggs in another’s nest? No, Little Johnny, this is not Alla … ****** In Russian two dreams – to rid Russia of come in large numbers and to get out of it yourself. ****** near his home Shtirlits found zamyzganuyu Lada-Kalina .. . with Moscow rooms .. -Finally. New resident ..-guessed Shtirlits ****** – My wife and I were happy for 20 years. – And then what happened? – And then we met … ****** Gradebook week. He came to the labs for physics. Physicist: – What is it? What do you say clever? Me: – Joules .. Physicist (after a long silence): – Let’s record book … ****** little squirrel and the squirrel chattered and played, and suddenly the fox appeared. Squirrel ran up a tree, and the squirrel was on the ground. – Strange, – said the fox – usually proteins scared me and climb the nearest tree. – Listen, – said the little squirrel – have you ever tried to climb a tree, after twenty minutes playing with the little girl? ****** Georgians at the airport passes inspection throughput. He takes out a wallet, mobile, passes through a metal detector. Metal rings. Georgians back, takes out a cigarette, keys, passes again. Metal rings. The Girl from the control service advises him to take off the belt. It does not help. Metal rings. Behind all accumulates, the situation becomes tense. Grusin has been held without a shirt and shoes. Metal rings. Finally, Georgians can not stand: – Slyushy, The girls, tie MNE eyes. Ta surprised, but the ties. Georgians passes, metal detector silent. At one in the eyes of a dumb question. – Slyushy, The girls, when tebya vizhyu have myna member zhilezny. ****** comes a guy with a girl in the church for confession. guy and says to the priest – I have sinned a woman 5 times. girl whispers to the guy: – Speak six when go home you will still want it. ****** guy at work with his wife on the phone: – Honey, I’ll be late. The numbers on the 26th … ****** Two proctologist long examine a painting by Malevich, then one says to the other: – Oh, colleague! Not like! ****** Found Chukchi camel and think what to do with it. Trying to milk him, so he male. Tried the sled harness – is slow, is not fit to plow. Went to the shaman, he’s smart to say that animals do.Shaman looked at the camel and said: – It’s Kemel, it is necessary to smoke. ****** Threw grandfather first time at sea seine, seine came with a sea grass. second time threw grandfather seine – again, nothing, one sea grass. The third time my grandfather threw seine and he caught a guinea pig. mumps, and said to him with a human voice: – Yeah, you went through, my grandfather, with sea grass! ****** Vasilisa came out fine in the pure field, twice stamped three times jumped through it a somersault, hit the ground and … Knock out! Vasilisa No more smoke pot with Bald Mountain. 

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