Joke of the day

by Sohail September 26, 2013 at 7:28 pm

The dark night of a monk walking on the street. Suddenly sees near the bridge, and on the railing of the bridge is a girl. At the bottom of a raging river. Monk quickly pulls out a purse, a marker and wrote on the purse, “SHOULD NOT” and throws the wallet. Purse falls next to a girl, she gets off the railing, takes purse and runs away.
The next day, in the evening, next to the church, where is the monk stops luxury limousine, the car is the same girl, pulls a suitcase from the trunk and goes to church. There she finds a monk and gives him a suitcase. The monk opens a suitcase – there is two million dollars.
-?
– This is your share, Father.
-!?
– Well, yes. “No need,” won the race today. ******

The wife is going to a New Year corporate ball. Not to drag it with you in the morning, she calls her husband and tells what to bring her in the evening to work for the ball:
– … shoes – they are near the nightstand in the bedroom, makeup, do not forget – on the mirror and ball gown.
Husband indignantly:
– What’s a ibalnoe dress!??! ******

Today was the barber. Waited their turn. Master of finishing male haircut. it would seem, the final touch, trim edging, pushes a little collar, and at the man in the neck thick hair grows. Barber to trim and even more moves collar … A man with a sigh: “Lord, do not try, they have me until the assholes.” ******

In the morning, a Sunday, the priest calls his superiors. Like, unwell, go to the service can not let the other instead of me … Having “good”, the priest sits in the car, goes to town in a golf club. He gets an open field – no other players – ready to hit.
At this time in paradise angel asks God, how can such a simple, because sin, in fact.
God agrees, in fact, the disorder.
Priest hits. The ball flies through the whole area, flies past all of the wells and flies straight at the last, eighteen hole.
Angel:
– Do you think this punishment?
Creator:
– Do you think anyone would believe him? ******

With the new iPhones FBI gather up millions of fingerprints. And only from Russia – prints tip of the nose, and sometimes member. ******

– Hello, this is Lena!
– What is Lena? Remind …
– Well, of course! Last Friday at the park!
– Oh, I remember. Long legs!

– Hello, this is Nadia!
– What is Nadia? Remind!
– Two days ago, Ivanov’s birthday. Do you still then saw off …
– A big breasts! Remembered …
And so on … …
Calling himself:
– Julia, it’s me!
– Who is “I”? Remind …
– Well, the day before we’re at corporate parties, and most importantly after …
– A worm with a little finger! ******

There are two men from the neighboring villages:
– What’s up?
– Why, hog breeding bought.
– Yes? So come on it with my pigs to mate, and pigs equally divided.
– Come on. But how do I know whether or not he wants to mate?
– And you see, if a ring tail, so he wants.
So they decided. The next day, a man walks into a barn. Looks tail ring. Pig caught, tied, put him in a wheelchair motorcycle, put on his helmet and took her to his friend. And so 3 days in a row. On the fourth day a man says to his wife:
– Go, look in the shed, like a pig tail: a ring or not?
His wife comes back and says:
– You know Nick, I do not know how there ponytail, but the boar is put on a helmet and waiting in a wheelchair. ******

Village ..
comes to a man in a shed … and there is a horse to death … he thought and thought and decided that her cum nada until she died …
raskazal wife about it … pig and heard it all … and so says quietly horses, such as when you go down the owner of the last effort, run quickly to the entire … Well, a man with a knife sets, watching a horse that gallops .. laughs, man happy … raskazal about it .. praznik … and with joy slaughtered pig. ******

Little girl mom
– Mom, mom while you were brought dad aunt and they were engaged to her. .
– Wait a minute, wait a daughter now dad will come and tell it all
Comes dad.
Mom-daughter tell us!
– Mom when you were not brought my aunt and dad are doing it so what did you do with Uncle Vasya when dad was on a business trip … ******

Japan has invented a robot that catches thieves. In Japan, for 5 minutes caught 100 thieves. In America, for 5 minutes caught 200 thieves. In Russia, for 5 minutes, someone stole the robot. ******

– Favorite, eat a piece of cake!
– Thank you, Zai, I do not.
– Well, look what he appetizing! Well, at least a piece to eat.
– Thank you, I’m not hungry.
– Well, just a little bit.
– Yes, fuck off! I do not eat after six!
– Eat Cake, silly ring there! I want to marry you! ******

7-year-old boy persuades 4-year-old brother:
– Hey, man, we’re already big, it’s time we start swearing.
– It’s time – agrees kid.
– So this plan – said a senior. – Tomorrow morning, go out to breakfast, I say “b / \ I ‘, and you -” n% $ yes. ” And watching the reaction of the parents.
No sooner said than done. The next morning, sitting in the kitchen, my mother turns to his eldest son:
– What do you put on the breakfast?
– I would b / \ I, pancakes, – smartly replied.
Crack! – Mom with all the dope slaps him upside the head and the boy runs away in tears from the kitchen, holding his head.
– Well, you what? – A threat to the mother’s voice asks Bush.
– Yes, I really do not know – shy kid answers – but only in the p% $ do these pancakes! ******

Two girls sitting on the roof … One good, the other evil, and throw stones at passers-by, the wicked hit 3 times, and a good 5 … Because good always triumphs over evil! ******

– Why are you late?
– Hitting his head on the pillow corner and lost consciousness for two hours. ******

Help! My friend smoked! He got into the washing machine and left! I’d caught up with him on the vacuum cleaner .. but … I have no rights! ******

At the reception, the psychologist:
– Doctor! I have a serious problem. All that whatever I do, my wife does best: earn more quickly whitens ceilings, parquet varnishes better quality, excellent cook, a wonderful hostess, caring mother … Well I can not do nothing at all better than her!
– Yes, it’s a problem. It is necessary to find such a thing, what would you beat your wife, or depressed you can not escape!
Discussion lasts 2 hours. Finally found a way out. A guy happy home runs.
– The wife! A wife! Let’s try the matter who is higher on the wall pee!
Go out into the yard. His wife pulled up her skirt, leg lifted and rotated on the wall … See how you measure – half a meter. A man with a proud smile unzips his pants … Wife:
– But let’s be honest for! As I – no hands! ******

The Americans had an argument with the Azerbaijanis who have elderly live longer.
Azerbaijanis came to America in the old neighborhood, in the hospital on a drip in the emergency room found a 103-year-old man …
Americans went to Azerbaijan. See the mountain at high speed down the old man. He is stopped, asked how old he was. He answers, “102.” Americans breathe a sigh of relief, supposedly won. And then one of them is interested in:
– Where are you in such a hurry?
The old man replied:
– Running away from his father.
The Americans look at each other.
– And why not?
– I was rude to my grandfather. ******

Why modern technology at the same time allow for beer cans that do not decompose in a landfill for 100 years, and the car body, which rot in 3-4 years? ******

All traffic cops ask: Have you been drinking? …. Though one would ask: Have you eaten? ******

Rabbi at the end of prayers in the synagogue refers to the Jews:
– People! I understood why we do not like Russian! We do not know how to drink vodka.
That’s tomorrow, let each bring a bottle of vodka, all Spill in the pot – and we will learn to drink.
Abram comes home, says Sarah, because they say so, tomorrow should bring a bottle – and so on. Sarah tells him:
– And you, Abram, take a bottle of water. Full pot of vodka – who is out there notice?
So did he. The next day the Jews at a time suitable to the boiler, each pouring vodka. Rabbi takes a ladle, stir, scoop, trying to …
Sad look encircles the synagogue and said:
– Yeah … That’s what we do not like the Russian and … ******

The girl has resorted to the guy waving a pregnancy test:
– I – pregnant! And you said – “do not worry, he did not show!”
– I’m not saying “do not be afraid” and “do not ssy.” ******

Early in the morning, Sunday, the priest of the church elite, calls his boss. Says he was ill, the service can not go, let someone type substitute …
Having “good”, the priest sits in his Lexus, goes to an elite golf club. Gets in the open field – no other players – ready to hit.
At this time in paradise angel asks God, how can such a simple, because sin is, in fact ….
God agrees, in fact, the disorder.
Priest hits. The ball flies through the whole area, flies past all of the wells and flies straight at the last, eighteen hole.
Angel:
– Do you think this punishment?
Creator:
– Do you think anyone would believe him? ******

Once there are two godfathers:
– Gal, and five sho taka acidic?
– Yes Mykola’re Mine, vzhe forces dumb terpіti – gorіlku hlebche sho … KONYAKI
– Znaєsh godmother, I have Chula susіdnomu selі, є farrier, yakіy godmother zakodіruvat zmozhe! Til’ky, if pіdesh by Demba, obov’yazkovo treba plyashku gorіlki s The take him ….
The next day, a woman leads her alcoholic husband, a blacksmith. That there also takes it with him and locked him in the bath. Both pours a glass and drink offering. A guy in a little ahue, but did not give up and drank the contents of the glass. Blacksmith pours another one, seize peasant twists in a knot, put the cancer and makes it ….. is not the guy ….
Buttoning his fly, said the man:
– And Now the blue, Til’ky try to thump, truncated Bodo village nobility, sho ti pіdoras!
Took place after this man sober for a year, but still want to have a drink ….
One is in the evening from work, sees – is a blacksmith vdrabadan drunk in the gutter. A man in his joy, places of cancer and plants him for most tomatoes ……
Having made ​​the case and wiping the sweat from his forehead, shouting for all the village: – FFFU …. RAZKODІRUVAVSYA! ******

From the woman can not be bought off with money, she still needs your brain. ******

As the night, the man is “first aid” to his wife, located on the 7th month of pregnancy.
In the apartment comes a doctor, drunk in the trash. Leaving the man behind the door, proceeded to inspect. A minute later the doctor comes out and asks:
– Hey, man, do you have a hammer?
Ohrenevshy husband brings his hammer.
After another couple of minutes, again goes:
– Hey, pliers and so do you have?
The man gave him and pliers.
Again, the door opens to:
– Hey, man, running Carry the chain saw, file, pliers, drill and wrench!
Husband in full ohuenii, shouting asks:
– Hey ne # $ dix buhoe, sho you asshole with my wife doing?
– Yes nihuya not yet had time! Can not this epanny Tool Case open …!! ******

They say – do not open the brilliant green teeth. I’ll tell you more, it is better not fucking touch her. ******

That’s all they say – strength, dexterity, and you try to pick up an optical mouse so that the cursor is moved. ******

“For everything in life you have to pay” – very fond of repeating one official, until I heard the same phrase from an investigator on his own criminal case. ******

Mom Medvedev refused to watch New Year’s greetings Dima, because it is not in the header, and did not have breakfast in the morning. ******

Chelyabinsk guys are so severe that three dokurivayut torque steer to even electronic cigarettes. ******

She found a new husband in a mobile touch “FREE SEX” and there also, without delay, in a fit of jealousy, decided to find out by typing this number …
The surprise was not the limit, when the phone rang my own phone! From Gad …. ******

Petya got captured by sadists, but that was lucky – he managed to slip away. Vasily rasprashivajut, saying how it was?
Petya to him and says:
– Let Ivanovich I’d rather show ….
Leads him to shed his huy clamps in a vise. Dostaet hacksaw …. Vasily Ivanovich ohuenii with horror:
– What are you going to cut sadyuga?
– No Ivanovich, you’ll be cut, and I poshel set fire to a barn! ******

But not every girl knows that the two bands – it is also a sergeant … ******

– Girl, let’s argue with you for $ 100, which I now invite you to spend the night, and you refuse? ******

Science – a great thing. Now, if scientists invented the laser than we were chasing cats during long winter evenings. ******

Why Vkontakte left of friends who write tomorrow will celebrate a birthday, and where and when not writing? ******

I like that I’m fat, lazy, full and rich. Because a thin, hard-working, hungry and poor I was. ******

Philologist A. Petrov knows 25 synonyms of the word ‘x%% nya. ” Auto mechanic
PP knows Sidorov 427 items with the same name. Plus, of course those ******

This coffee should be black as night, sweet as sin, hot as a kiss, strong as a curse. ******

Japan has invented a robot that catches thieves. In Japan, for 5 minutes caught 100 thieves. In America, for 5 minutes caught 200 thieves. In Russia, for 5 minutes, someone stole the robot. ******

– Hello, this is – hire?
– Yes.
– You can ride in the election of our mayor?
– What kind of pick up the car, “Bentley” or “Maybach”?
– Avtozak. ******

Little girl mom
– Mom, mom while you were brought dad aunt and they were engaged to her. .
– Wait a minute, wait a daughter now dad will come and tell it all
Comes dad. Mom-daughter tell us!
– Mom when you were not brought my aunt and dad are doing it so what did you do with Uncle Vasya when dad was on a business trip … ******

In the morning, a Sunday, the priest calls his superiors. Like, unwell, go to the service can not let the other instead of me … Having “good”, the priest sits in the car, goes to town in a golf club. He gets an open field – no other players – ready to hit.
At this time in paradise angel asks God, how can such a simple, because sin, in fact.
God agrees, in fact, the disorder.
Priest hits. The ball flies through the whole area, flies past all of the wells and flies straight at the last, eighteen hole.
Angel:
– Do you think this punishment?
Creator:
– Do you think anyone would believe him? ******

All the women feel that they are easy to lose, all the men are sure – that is almost impossible. ******

With the new iPhones FBI gather up millions of fingerprints. And only from Russia – prints tip of the nose, and sometimes member of @ on. ******

Basically, most of the women in his life had a choice – either to marry this to @ evil, or stay for a lifetime alone. ******

Two men are arguing for a long time:
– You win …
– Who? ******

Science – a great thing. Now, if scientists invented the laser than we were chasing cats during long winter evenings. ******

At nine months pregnant wife asked her husband to paint her toenails. He has long protested, they say, do not know how I am, and not men’s business.
His wife was mad at him, and went into the shower.
Comes out of the shower and sees that her husband paints her nails with the words:
– With only pregnant women will not even think … ******

– Well, you and the wedding otgrohal! Why so much money, he took?
– So I have long been put off a little for a rainy day. And he came. ******

He constantly sow good. That mobile sow, the keys, the wallet. ******

Every woman in addition to the child she gave birth, there is still a child, whom she had in-law! ******

The woman – a mystery covered with makeup. ******

– My character is solid. He said I will not, then pour out. ******

Little boy with curiosity examines his genitals:
– Mom, Mom! And this is my brain?
– No, son. Not yet … ******

Convenient to assume her husband impotent than myself to swim away fat … ******

– All-you’re at work, and my bee.
– Eat, my drone, Eat. ******

The inscription on the door of the study Sobyanin, “Sobyanil, sobyanyu and will sobyanit.” ******

Little Johnny asks:
– Mom and Dad have parents?
– Of course, there is. Have you forgotten? Grandma Lucy and Grandpa Leon.
– Why did they gave it to us? ******

– That’s where I just can not break the law! – Says the citizen.
– I know! – Nods to the State.
– So what do I do? – Asks the citizen.
– Broken! – Encourages the State.
– For me it will be punished! – Terrified citizen.
– And how! – Grins State. ******

– All day long I say something to my husband. He answered not a word. Doctor, I have it, I’m afraid, a serious mental illness.
– This is not a disease. It’s a talent! ******

– Baby, listen, what are you doing tonight?
– Well …
– Just do not think anything bad. And if you thought like you that idea? ******

Funny words and phrases:
Atebu bilyadina – The most beautiful country (Arabic)
Ahoy perdelka – hello friend (cheshsk.)
Figley pepdutto – the lost son (Italian)
Pidozrila lyudyna you – you’re suspicious person (Ukr)
Abalaher and uy% – good night, my brother! (Arabic)
Konchil – green tea (Chinese)
Vonyavki – spirits (chesh.)
Daisuke – I love (Japanese)
Liu Liu dicks fuck ibu ibu Dicks Sushi – Off-gray fox, step by step …

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