100 jokes on Tuesday, 5 November 2013

by Sohail November 5, 2013 at 6:47 pm

Central Bank has issued a blue “Olympic” hundred-ruble note! According to tradition, introduced a new degree of protection note – it can not burn, she always goes out. ******


There is a bulldog on the street. Sees on the balcony of a poodle.
– Come out to the street, to run about together!
– I can not! I’ve got locked up!
– Well, here jump from the balcony!
– No! .. I do not want a face like yours! ******


Want to hear all the possible tone of the word “hello”? Call Grandma and shut the phone. ******


Piglet decided to run across a busy highway … Since that time, the expression “turn on a dime.” ******


A rabbit in the woods assigned precinct.
Caught Fox, said:
– Whose fur?
– My!
– Pi% dish. . Sleep%% ate …
Bunny put her in jail. Sitting, sitting and her goose podsazhivayut. Fox asks:
– Thee for what?
– Bl @. . Hare to% balsya … . Which shisha I kazhddy year to the South fly … ******


There is a replacement online! Go out into the street, Old ladies on the benches and evaluation will put you, and add a comment, and the status will stick … ******


“It is so good that I grew up, and I do not have to get up for school at 8 am” – I thought, getting up for work at 7 am. ******


A little girl asked her brother:
– What is love?
– It is when you steal every day of my portfolio of chocolate, and I keep putting it in the same place. ******


Dad and son went to the pharmacy. The kid stopped by the shelves with condoms and surprise treats them.
Baby (M): Daddy, what is it?
Dad (S): Son, that condoms are used for secure cekca.
The kid takes off the shelf package with 3 condoms and asks: Daddy, why there are three things?
P: Son, this packaging for Singles – on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
M (picking up a package with 6 condoms) and the 6 for whom?
P: these, my son, for love – 2 on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday.
M (finding the pack with 12 condoms) and then those to whom?
P: and it is for a married couple – 1 January, 1 for February, one for March …. ******


Braga to shoot, but do not panic. It is necessary to drink wine, and did not thump. NuzhnoLYuBIT friends and not have. The child must give birth, not conceive. For a friend to die, not to hurt. We must love his wife, and not tolerate. Night to HOLD and nePROSPAT. And life should be lived, not fucked! ******


The Great Patriotic War. Rate
Supreme Commander. From the office of Zhukov and Stalin is wearing a cap with a sense says:
– Well, the ass with a mustache …
He leaves.
Stalin’s secretary, Poskrebyshev, immediately goes to the office:
– Comrade Stalin, Marshal Zhukov went out into the reception said “ass with a mustache” …
– A nu-ka, Virna it.
And already returned, Zhukov:
– Comrade Zhyukov, Bu when they came out of my office, Wie said that?
– Ass with a mustache …
– Who, Wie had in mind?
– Hitler, Stalin!
– A Wee, Comrade Poskrebyshev who have in mind? ******


It was a good week – five working days would resign only three times. ******


The guy in the Primorye pulled out of the sea network, and there is one small fish, and speaks in a human voice:-Let me go senile … . And the man realized that a lot of Fukushima not telling us … . ******


– Student’s Wedding:
– Wait, how the bride does not drink?
– So she throws off! ******


4. 30 am. Call number:
– Hello, this is the society for the protection of animals??
– Who is this bitch Well you hurt so early? ******


The man is 70% water, and cucumber – by 90%. It is easy to calculate that 65% of people on the cucumber. ******


Moscow. Recently. Armenian catches the car. Rides “penny.”
– Proezzhay!
Rides “Muscovite”:
– Proezzhay!
Arrives at the “Volga”. Armenian gets in the car.
– Ara tebya the name of, uh-uh?
– Vitaly.
– Slyushay menya Vitaly! Now padedim to the hotel, there Maine The girls will have to wait … You say, “Boss I’m free?” And I say, “Yes Vitaly, svoboden minute!” Tee say, “Chief, let 100 rubles. Gasoline.” Since E and rasplatimsya! Got it?
Acne says:
– Got it, no problem!
Drive up to the hotel. Armenian came and kissed a girl … Drove:
– Chief, I’m free?
– Yes, Vitaly, you’re free.
– Chef give 1500 rubles., But it is something the engine knocks, it is necessary to drive service …
– Hmmm … Maladets b *** Th, Acne! ******


A showcase of laying hens. It turns out the podium French hen, all the fair-haired, with a pink bow. The Commission asks her a question:
– How many of you lovers?
– (With dignity) Fifteen.
– How many eggs in a month talking about?
– One hundred and fifty.
– Good for you! Good performance turns out the podium British chicken, all redhead in green bows.
– How many of you lovers?
– (With dignity) twenty.
– How many eggs in a month talking about?
– Two hundred.
– Good for you! Excellent performance turns out the podium Russian chicken, all blue, disheveled, with broken nails.
– How many of you lovers?
– (Exhale) pisyat!
– How many eggs in a month talking about?
– Listen, you have these figures, you’d certainly would themselves like that in order to bring …
– When? Then e @ @ camping, then I rush! ******


If the fall of the roof of condensed milk spread in the spring there will be tasty icicles. ******


Girl caught in her purse and instead of cans with gas sprayed into a maniac “shanelkoy.” And with shouts of “Bl ** nn! 3200 he is” scored a maniac to death. ******


The aliens, who captured the other aliens feel a little out of place. ******


When she comes to the priest for a “blessing on the piercing.”
The father replies:
– All holes are what you need, and so the Lord has created. And if you talk nonsense – one of them may be closed. ******


Chinese proverb goes, you call a person a pig a thousand times and it would be her.
And indeed, the neighbors noticed that the policeman Sidorov was eyeing the guys. ******


– How to distinguish a scam disguised as bailiffs who call at your door, from the real bailiffs?
– Just do not open the door. Harmless crooks quietly leave, but the real bailiffs will cut off the hinges, “grinder”. ******


There are women that men say, “You are mine”. And they are melting …
And there are men who women say, “You’re mine”. And they wash … ******


If you have an egg in a duck, then it does not mean that you are Bag of Bones.
Maybe you are just an unfortunate fall from his hospital bed. ******


Men, remember once and for all! What was the sex, this will be soup!
You – not dozharite! We – not dovarim! ******


Criminology – the science that studies the criminals who were caught, criminals losers. The science that studies the successful criminals called differently – Political Science (Larry Beynhart) ******


Sidorov not even alcoholic drinks on November 4. Because I do not know what … ******


Anchorman: It’s an urgent message about a gang of rapists, thieves and extortionists of the Moscow City Court. Sorry, wait a minute! Perhaps an urgent message from the Moscow City Court about a gang of rapists, thieves and extortionists.
(Turns) who prepared this news? How to? (With someone deliberates, then again turns to the camera): We’ve got opinions are divided – fifty-fifty.
In general, it’s an urgent message from the Moscow City Court … about a gang of rapists, thieves and extortionists … of the Moscow City Court. ******


In the course of the survey to the question “Are you happy in marriage?” 11% answered in the affirmative spouses interviewed one by one, and 89% when the question was asked two spouses standing nearby. ******


The wife is going to fly on a business trip and ventured into the apartment on the eve of spring cleaning.
Husband, watching as she furiously drait toilet, asked:
– Lucy, and why do you need all of this to bring the shine?
– But you, you bastard, without me some bring a neighbor! Then again, the entrance will whisper that in our apartment off … ******


Before the visit, checking out the head office of the chief of security reports to the manager:
– Everything is under control, but a bully of trainees at the entrance drew an indecent image.
– Immediately eliminate!
– Yeah, the guys are …
– Well done!
– Glad to be! And with a pattern, what to do? ******


Two millionaire. The first:
– Pizza to order, but in the middle of nowhere at night all the pizzerias are closed.
Second gaining first available number:
– Hello, take an order for a pizza, please.
From a tube heard swearing:
– What kind of pizza! Idiot! It’s flat! To me, blah, 6 to work to get up, and then some idiot does not sleep.
Second, not paying attention to it, dictates address and completes all the words:
– Payment: 20 thousand dollars – and hangs up.
The first:
– And that will bring?
– There has never been, so as not to bring. ******


In the canteen man pronounces the cook:
– In my opinion, you have these burgers is the fifth day!
– What about the bread and something happens? ******


A conversation between two men:
– My wife’s culinary duel on Sunday.
– Come on! And with whom?
– The product. As long as they win. ******


That could mean an ad pasted on the trash can – “Buy an apartment in your house?” ******


Love – is when all you want to tear apart every way you prevent, condemn and yell at you, throw rocks at you, and you still continue to love each other … in the garbage, meowing, howling and portraying a London bus. ******


– And I gave up booze, almost a year. Now came the extra money, saving up for a motorcycle.
– Good for you. And a lot of stored up?
– 40 rubles. ******


It was in Poltava. The priest had a dog that he loved her. One day I heard on the occasion that the Kiev Theological Academy teach dogs to speak human language. He gathered his pop Sirk and sent him back his sacristan Taras, as well as all sorts we launched: the rector of the envelope, the vice-chancellor, the inspector … And, of course, bacon, sausages, pickles and other things just to eat.
Taras stopped on the way to her friend Marichka, and the spree with her, and Sirk on will let go.
Then he wrote a dispatch to Poltava, “Father Ignat, so they say, and so your mentee successfully enrolled, studying diligently, send more fat envelopes yes.”
Six months later, as usual, went through the dog breed, the requests have increased substantially. Taras Marichka with goodies and give offerings to get so …
However, that summer has come. It is necessary to keep the response. Taras went to Father Ignatius. Anyone with questions at once:
– How’s my Lassie? Should not what?
– Circo live like a lord, a human if we were talking to you!
– What say?
– Oh, my dear, even ashamed to repeat … All uttered, and the Metropolitan yourself, that you are drinking vodka all day, but the song yelling, and at night looking up to the regent to run.
Darkened abbot.
– Taras, are you there is … figure that’s what … Here you have envelopes here and Metropolitan enough …
Sexton hung around for a couple of months, Marichky, and then – to the father Ignat:
– Oh, Father, I took a sin. How was floating on the Dnieper, Sirk and drowned in it!
– That’s right, Taras. Shybko reasonable we do not need. ******


– A conscience is aware of?
– Conscience of a share. ******


Every person to whom you give trust, you give a knife. To them it can not protect you or destroy it. ******


Read the status of the 14-year old girls:
“I sit, drink coffee, smoke and think about
It … “… Kick! I’m 30 … I lay on the
couch, eating an orange and look Alyosha
Popovich! ))) ******


To live together – then together to solve problems that would not occur if you have not started to live together. ******


At the examination of the criminal law.
– Can you tell me what is the hype?
– It will happen, Professor, if you’ll fail.
– How can explain.
– According to the Criminal Code, commits a fraud who, taking advantage of lack of knowledge of the other person that causes harm to another person. ******


My friend went to seminars for weight loss. One of the tasks was to empty the fridge of unhealthy foods (fatty, sweet, etc.) Then in the first person: Her husband was not home. Began immediately after the refrigerator. After cleaning – there were two hard-boiled eggs and cooked a tube of cream for rheumatism. It was late, and that is not to think about food, I went to bed. Later came the husband, tipsy and hungry. By the sounds of the kitchen, I realized that my husband ate the two eggs. After a while he felt “plohet,” I of course:
– Drink less need!
– Bad vodka does not happen, it’s probably the eggs were not fresh …
(I) – The eggs I cooked this morning.
(M): – Well, then – Mayonnaise …
(I) – There was no mayonnaise in the fridge!
(M) – And what if it was in a tube?
(I) – There was only one tube of cream for rheumatism!
In short found out the reason, and her husband “feel bad” and “feel bad” …
I called the hospital,
(I) – My husband egg cream smeared from rheumatism, and now he’s sick,
A doctor or duty:
– Wash the eggs … immediately feel better …
(I) – Since he already ate!
I had to explain. ******


– It is necessary to say more positive words: happiness, joy, and peace.
– Died of a jam? ******


Riddle of human psychology: If the bath falls a little valuable item, all trying to catch him quickly, so he did not get into the drain. anekdotov.net
While much faster and more efficiently would simply close drain hole palm. ******
time 4, 20 am, Tuesday.
Friend calls:
– Zdarova Maaaakss how are you?
– You znaesch what time it is?
– Yes 4 am, here I call to ask where to go at this time?
– At the @ ui can go at a time ******


– Why drive so much noise?
– The disc reading.
– Loud or what? ******


Maybe some tea?
– I do not drink tea.
– Then the coffee?
– And I do not drink coffee.
– Whiskey and Coke?
– I do not drink cola … ******


The patient, prepare, now would be a little uncomfortable … Ready?
That will be 50,000. ******


They sit in the garden under a tree on the men which grows dried roach and near the river, which flows with living beer. Sipping beer savoring a word baldeyut …
Suddenly the guy takes off from the bushes. Flies to the company’s lack of one mug of beer and drank it in one gulp and immediately back into the bushes.
The guys in the @ dick. Have not yet come round again as a man flies out of the bushes hvaet of the second mug of beer and drink in one gulp. Rushes back into the bushes … Then the third man yells after him:
– Man you going in such a hurry?
– Yes I am still in intensive care! ******


Greedy caterpillar caught in the apple and bit himself for ass. ******


Dumb took skis, goes for a drive. Out of the house, stumbles upon a neighbor:
– Where are you going?
Silent gesture shows upcoming process.
– Clear. A skiing why take it? ******


At the heart of Peter robbed a private residence. Handprints on criminal forensics able to establish that he will live happily ever after, but the great love never meet. ******


– The analysis showed that you have protein in your urine!
– Here is the devil … So this is what I have egg flows? ******


Anybody who live in other countries, can answer the question I recently wondered: and in other countries in anecdotes such as “there are Russian, American and German …” Russian also finds an outlet or anywhere there still appears citizen of his native country? ******


We are often asked if a black cat crossed the road, and then came back, he’s doubled or canceled.

We answer. You go home after the rain, do not remove the shoes, walk into the room, right on the carpet. Then return back to their same footsteps. You, therefore, the carpet cleaned or two times dirtier than done? ******


I know why Russia is so low life expectancy for men – because their wives retire at 55 years and the death of Nehru do zapilivajut men! ******


– The temple will be oblique to do?
– No, let’s machine! ******


Dad, when you have these old sleds with balconies throw?
This legendary sled docha. I have them in the morning you drove into the garden, and in the evenings I nurse them brought home from the garage … ******


Boy wakes up in a hospital room on the phone rings.
– Hello, good morning. This is your doctor.
– What happened to my analyzes, Doc?
– Well … Without obidnyakov – you have found syphilis, diphtheria, scarlet fever, plague, smallpox, chickenpox, and AIDS.
-! A.. Well, do something! Treat!
– Do not worry, it’s okay, the plan … Here today you assigned “Pancake diet”!
– How’s that?
– Breakfast – pancakes, lunch – pancakes, angling – pancakes …
– A help pancakes?
– I do not know. But that’s the only thing that crawls under your door … ******


They sit at the table two Georgians. Drink. We are talking about women …
First Georgians:
-Era, the brother of the woman as a plate … (heraks hand on the table) … listened and listened vikinul, went the other bought …
Second Georgians:
-Eeeee, brother, and threw zachem poslushal? Poslushal, overturned and then listen macaw …. ******


Vassily Ivanovich went to India, walks the streets of Delhi, is surprised. Suddenly approaches him and asks Yogi:
– Pour a glass of vodka.
– Why on earth, – said Vasily Ivanovich.
– Do not be afraid, I will not drink, I’ll show you a trick.
Vasily Ivanovich poured a glass, and stared at the Yogi vodka and looks, looks, suddenly – one, and falls to the side.
The people ran together, called a doctor. The doctor examined yoga and says:
– Alcohol poisoning!
Vasily Ivanovich returned home and ran to Petka:
– Petka, pour me a glass of vodka – I’ll show you a trick Indian!
He poured vodka Petka and Vasily Ivanovich stared at the glass, looking, looking, suddenly drops. A doctor was called, who makes the diagnosis:
– Choked with saliva! ******


In the theater after intermission
– Excuse me, I stepped on your foot when he left?
– Yes.
– Come on, honey, it’s our number. ******


She went to the mountains to engage in skiing. A few days later he called her and said,
that the train will arrive at 7 am.
– No, no! – She cried. – Not this train! It is called the train cuckold.
Laughing, he came to another train, spent her day off and went back home.
Next Friday, he again called her and said that he would come.
– Oh, is that you? – She asked, somehow indifferent. – Can you come over seven hours. ******


Tall and thin girl meets a guy:
– I – Model!
– And how old? Design a bad … ******


– How vacation spent?
– Rested savage: 5 star hotel, swimming pool, sandy beach, a lot of people …
– So why the savage?
– You should have seen how I was led there! ******


In the psychiatric hospital in a quiet house with a sad patient:
– This poor guy crazy when his fiancee married another.
Then, near the door, studded with iron:
– And this is the other one … ******


Winter 41th. Battle for Moscow. From the burning of the fascist German tank falls and falls in the snow. A minute later, zonked, climbs and climbs back into the burning tank. ******


Two neighbors gossip on a bench:
– P., Choi is your son in such a terrible wife took?
– Nothing, who will guard the house … ******


Wife, girlfriend says:
– He does not love me ((
– What does not? Once on Bosko pan and all .. “Proft me, my dear, I ofybalsya”:-D ******


The couple are quarreling. The husband feels that his patience is about to burst:
– Look out! – He shouts. – You make me into a beast …
– Why must I be careful? I’m not afraid of mice! ******


Stop. In the bus flies man and immediately bore down on the girl standing next to, rubbing against her paw, shove. The girl, of course, outraged:
– Man, man! What are you doing!
A guy a little slow, looking around in surprise:
– Che, the crush is not opened?



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