Jokes

100 jokes on Friday, November 1, 2013

To the doctor comes to the old lady. The doctor, after examining her, says:
– Grandma, try as much as possible to walk up the stairs. You go through a week.
A week passed. Came an old woman, after examining the doctor and says:
– Well, that’s already a lot better, you can start a little bit of everything to go up the stairs.
– Thank you, son, and I zamayalas a drainpipe to climb. ******

Meal with a huge hangover. Stop, the door opens, it is worth cop, I’m scared to give him a hundred rubles, takes, closed the door, I come, I understand that the food in the elevator … ******

A man comes to visit his mistress, as she prepares dinner. Goes to the kitchen and offers his help. The woman asks him to sharpen up dull blades. The man gladly takes on the case and begins to sharpen knives. After a while, his movements become more and more sluggish.
– I wonder – thinking man, why do I have in the house all the knives sharp?? ******

One man complains to another:
– I am here for ten years as impotent.
– And I (tfu-tfu-tfu!) only five! ******

– Maaam, and you know how much toothpaste in one large tube?
– No, my bunny, I do not know …
– From the bathroom across the hall, around the couch, to the balcony and back! ******

As you come to the clinic, so let’s put on shoe covers, but as a doctor calls the home, so in his boots, but the carpet! … ******

– Let’s meet?
– I’m crazy.
– This means, no?
– Is that a yes, but then not Noah. ******

Only in Russia of an inverted
Machines can be heard laughing. ******

I walk in the park today, I walk.
I look – a cyclist riding in front of him and the child runs dodging child cyclist hits the curb and, taking off with great cheers from the “hello asphalt!” falls flat on that same asphalt))) then gets up and brushed himself dissatisfied adds a “long time no see” ******

“You should” – this phrase is killing. What I have is recorded in the tax code, all that should not be – a criminal. The rest is at my discretion. ******

Once a week – just be yourself!
In the other six – restore reputation. ******

The phrase girl who had put the entire auto repair: – “When I give in the ass, I have not lit light bulb.” Mating phrase inspector, from which all perished on the spot: – “It is clear, and the car is that?” ******

– So, you are accused of quackery. You are selling their customers the elixir of youth. You are brought to justice?
– Yes, in 1650, 1730 and 1890 … ******

Always sleep with a knife under her pillow – just in case. What if someone comes with a cake. ******

– Doctor, Doctor, how is he?
– You know, he’s in serious condition, he had a massive heart attack, broken bones!
– Can I talk to him?
– No, unfortunately this is not possible! If you have something you want to tell him, tell me, I’ll pass!
– Ask him if I passed on the right? ******

Men usually hang all the things on the floor. ******

Georgians bought an expensive VMW. Sitting in a cafe, drinking coffee, admiring his car.
Suddenly sees his wheelbarrow someone sits down. While ran outside wheelbarrow stolen. Georgians shouts
– POLICE, POLICE!
Rides “Cobra” at VW, asked what had happened, put the Georgians themselves and they go with him in pursuit of his Beshki. Catching up, compared, and then the Georgians down his window and yells thief:
– TI INTO MACHINE PAZORYSH? .. TURBO VKLUCHI! ******

Experienced seller teaches his successor: 
– A man comes, buy furniture polish, and you say to him: “Duck keep glass cleaner that you napoliruete furniture and glass are dirty …”. Buying agent for glass, and you give him the same way polish vparival. Get it?
– Got it.
Comes girl:
– Give me some Tampax.
Young salesman giving her Tampax, polishing and liquid glass cleaner.
– What for? I did not ask for this …
– On! Tr%% atsya can not duck though point-house in order … ******

Peter and the teacher raises
says:
– Peter, tell us a poem!
Peter proudly goes to the board and
begins to tell:
– Once in the icy, winter
time, two wolves fucked # ed on the ice …
– Sit down Peter, bad!
– Of course bad – feet slip.
– Sit down! Two!
– Of course, the two! X # if there is a third
do! ******

There is a guy on a date. In white shirt, suit, with the colors in the money, to a beautiful little girl. Here is looking machine, looks like before selling soda, and the inscription: “Apparatus for spoiling the mood.” Well, he thinks, “Well, now that I can spoil the mood?”. Throwing a coin into the machine, and then it spills out of the bucket of shit machine. The peasant mood “to zero”, the crowd gathered around, all the neigh … in short – KHAN. There looks, and a number of other machine, and the inscription “Automatic to set the mood.” He thinks, “Well, now I can cheer you up?”. Takes and there throwing a coin. In the machine opens a window and splashed out three buckets of shit in the laughing crowd. ******

30% of accidents occur after the words: “Look how I can”
The remaining 70% after the words: “Bullshit! See how to” ******

One man decided to revel in the beautiful foreign shores. Save up some money, bought a tour, I went with my wife on the shore of the warm sea. Rested, was leaving the hotel, suddenly chuck him at this very account – 10,000 francs. Come on, man ohrenel so little, for what?A chuck him – Well, look. Car trip with wine tasting – 2000. Man: – Yes, why are you? I did not go anywhere. – Well, it’s their fault. Every day we announced the walk. Next, check on the boat with fishing – 3000. – What the fuck fishing? – I do not know, I do not know, every day boat came to the hotel, we had to watch. Next, behold, a helicopter ride over the mountains – 5000. – What other helicopter? – Well, it’s their fault that did not use. Each day the helicopter was flying. Man: – Oh, that’s so? Then you demand to 15 million francs for non-pecuniary damage. – What other moral damage? – And for the fact that you are my wife, Trudy, Ali%%. – I? Your wife? But I did not come to it! – Well, it’s their fault. Every day she was lying there on the beach. ******

– And my Internet not only is unlimited, so he also haljavnyj.
– How’s that?
– Yes, it’s dad warning in advance. When the internet was connected, he agreed with the neighbors on top of that will connect it all together, and we will pay this way: they are – on the even months, and we – the odd.
– So what?
– Well, he agreed with the neighbors below what they pay in odd months, and we – the even! ******

The husband says to his wife:
– Hi, honey, I have for you … syurpriiiiz
– Is it true? And what?
– I purchased a tour in Australia!
– Oh, how wonderful and how many hours to fly there?
– I do not know, but as soon as I lie down there, I’ll call you later. ******

A woman comes to a dietitian, and says:
– Doctor, I have a problem … well … with a figure …
– With a figure? And to the person you want to say they do not? ******

– And my parents gave the kitten! White, fluffy …
– Sfotkayte, show me!
– Fotik not!
– Then scan it! ******

Girls! You finally get that “woman of mystery” and “woman-dick you will understand” – different things! ******

We, comic books, stop our policy only when the policy will cease to build from a jester! ******

– Something you and I, Petrovich screwed up, I feel, we will not see premiums. The TOR was clearly written: “In order to fire safety design must consist entirely of non-combustible materials,” Putin himself has put the signature on the project. And they somehow manage to constantly light up the damn torch. ******

Talking with some people clearly understand that you are not one of those phlegmatic individuals who may be safely trusted with weapons. ******

If the person in front of you is justified, then you mean something to him … ******

– Welcome! I have to declare: I want to rent you a room.
– And you will not hold it in drunken orgies?
– No.
– It’s too bad. ******

With me is easy to find a common language … The main thing – time to bite my … ******

Cat – a tiny lion who loves mice, hates dogs and patronizes human.
© Oliver Herford ******

Inflation – this is the easiest and safest way to steal your money. ******

Recently, in the forest park on uhryupinskom boy Petya bear attacked.
The boy got off lightly and his friend Sergei. ******

Light at the end of the tunnel. – This is not good – thought worm. ******

And here in Moscow has long drive on the left, only for cars with flashing lights and guests from the Caucasus. ******

French winemaker, tasting Russian cognac understood why Russian zanyuhivayut, have a snack and still frowning. ******

Women complain that men in the stores does not drag. So do their cabanas transparent. ******

Because the faces of Russian public servants no longer go into the format of the TV screen, “Samsung” has started production of screens with round ears. ******

All oligarchs ride doroguschih hand-built cars. My father penny 30 years of age, and assembled by hand ten times. Can I take a son of an oligarch, or friends make fun again? Thank you! ******

Central Bank has issued a blue “Olympic” hundred-ruble note! According to tradition, introduced a new degree of protection note – it can not burn, she always goes out. ******

Do not do to others what you would have them do to you. You can have different tastes.
Bernard Shaw ******

A rabbit in the woods assigned precinct. 
Caught Fox, said: 
– Whose fur? 
– My! 
– Pussy. . Sleep%% ate …
Bunny put her in jail. Sitting, sitting and her goose podsazhivayut. Fox asks:
– Thee for what? 
– Shit. . Rabbit doebalsya … . Which shisha I kazhddy year to the South fly … … ******

There is a bulldog on the street. Sees on the balcony of a poodle.
– Come out to the street, to run about together! 
– I can not! I’ve got locked up!
– Well, here jump from the balcony! 
– No! . . I do not want a face like yours! ******

In first grade teacher had difficulties with one of the students. anekdotov.net
She asked, “What is it, boy?” 
Boy 
replied: “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third, and I 
smarter than she is! I guess I should also be in the third! “
For teachers 
This was too much. She took the boy to the principal and explained the whole
situation. The director thought, and said to the boy, “I will test, and if you
can not answer any of his questions, then return back to the 
first class, and you will behave well. ” 
The boy agreed. 
– What is 3 x 3? “
– 9 
– What is 6 x 6? 
– 36 
And so it went with every question that, in the opinion of the Director, 
third grader should know. Then the director turned to
the teacher and said, “I think the boy can go to the third grade.” 
Then the teacher said, “I, too, have their own issues: 
– What does a cow have four, but I only have 2? 
The boy replied, after a pause: 
– Legs 
– What is in your pants that do not have? 
– Pockets 
– What goes in hard and pink – when it enters, and soft and sticky – when 
coming out? 
Director eyes open really wide, and has not had time to get ahead of the answer. 
– Chewing gum! 
– What makes a man – standing woman – sitting down and a dog – on three legs? 
The principal’s eyes really wide, but before he could say something, the boy replied: 
– Shake hands 
– Now I will ask seven questions from the category of WHO AM I? : You stick your poles me. I get wet before you do?
– Tent 
– A finger goes in me. The best man always has me first?
– Engagement Ring 
– I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. In a move I tremble?
– Boom 
– What word in the English language begins with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement? 
– Firetruck “(pozharku) 
– What word starts with F and ends with K? If not,
you have to work with your hands? 
Fork (Fork) 
“It is in all men, in some it is longer, someone shorter. 
The man gives it to his wife after the wedding? 
– Surname 
– At what body no bones, muscles, and there are a lot of veins. It pulses and is responsible for making love?
– Heart 
The director sighed with relief and said to the teacher: 
Send to% uy it straight to the university! For the last 7 questions answered incorrectly myself! ******

Oh, the great Russian language! 
In turn, the seller shouts cashier – Vick, beat up this man slay his liver and eggs for pudding … 🙂 ******

Do not know what the neighbors chandelier hung from the bottom, but because of them in my kitchen now has a heated floor! ******

Morning … the bus (rush hour) is a man in a thick fur coat.
Conductress indignantly: – Man, remove the sheepskin appears place to stand! 
Man: – I can take off and pants – what will keep … ! ******

There is a replacement online! Go out into the street, Old ladies on the benches and evaluation will put you, and add a comment, and the status will stick … ******

Two men ride home from work on the machine. Jams on the roads, the traffic is barely crawling, and guys are bored. Drove looks around and suddenly notice that on the front lawn tr%% ayutsya dog. He said the passenger:
– Look, see what dogs do? They fight or something, I do not understand.
Passenger: 
– Yes, you are human, they tr%% ayutsya. Just do not tell me you’re never in the attitude of cancer cekcom not engaged! . .
– Never (blushing). 
– Well, then you should try it, it’s cool! In short do so. Today, as you get home, do my wife, “Margarita” and offer to try a new cekc-pose.
The driver thought and decided – why not try it! 
The next morning men meet again. A passenger with a wink:
– Well, how did it go yesterday? 
Driver: 
– Yes, it was nishtyak, only one Zamoroka I had to wife 
6 Marguerite to do until she agreed to leave the lawn in front of the house. ******

Do not do to others what you would have them do to you. You can have different tastes.
Bernard Shaw ******

Old Grandpa comes to the doctor: anekdotov.net
– The doctor at me with his grandmother trouble, so a month on the bed, gets up, then moans that roars. Do not eat or drink, dying What to do?
– Well, my grandfather, the case is severe. But the treatment should start with cekca.
– Dohtor, my dear, what are you I am an old party member, on my hands Lenin died, I can not. 
– Father, there is no other way. 
My grandfather came home smoked, grunted, bahnul zhmenyu Viagra, washed down sotochku, and climbed on the headstock. Other times, tired, fell asleep. She wakes up, Grandma in the kitchen is busy, singing songs, sponges make up, eyes failed, as much hops.Grandfather sat lit up, lowered her head low.
– Grandfather, what are you doing? 
– So I could not train, then in the 24th and Lenin save. . ******

– Accused! Why, instead of cultural and explain that you are unpleasant profanity, the smell of alcohol, cigarette smoke, released in your face, you hit the victim, knocked to the pavement, kicked and lifted, thrown from a bridge into a river?
– I tried, but he asked me to express easier … ******

The question is not why your friends are crazy. The question is, why do you feel comfortable in the company of patients down? ******

“If Russia again will enter the transition to winter time, I’ll shoot myself” (Oleg S., store merchandiser “World clock”) ******

In one monastery came to the commission of the abbots of other monasteries. One member of the Commission comes to the local abbot and said with amazement that the monks at prayer smoke!
– So what? Our monastery zaprashival Synod whether to smoke while praying.
– And what did you say? 
– What not to. And then we asked, may I pray while smoking, and we were told that you can. You see, it all depends on the question! ******

A typical day in the Georgian army. 
The foreman calls the soldier: 
– Hey, obezyan, Ides of judgment! 
A soldier comes up and says: 
– Comrade Sergeant, I ne obezyan! 
The foreman takes the Charter and the soldiers began to read the article: 
– “Soldier obezyan …” 
It takes time. Soldiers with other soldiers coming to the foreman and say,
– Comrade Sergeant, ve also obezyan! 
The foreman: 
-? 
The soldier pulls the Constitution and reads: 
– “A sergeant obezyan …” 
The foreman takes the Constitution and says: 
– Uh, it says here, “Sergeant, .. 
(Then pointing the finger at a company of soldiers) and says: 
– … Company obezyan … ” ******

– Well, zyatek, the holiday for you!
– Which is another holiday, mom?
– Why, I have to leave immediately. ******

Agitator stands in a madhouse in praise of the ruling party.
Applaud all but one stands apart.
Why are not you clapping? asks the lecturer.
I’m not crazy, I – nurse. ******

Dear citizens! According to have a conscience, adjust appetite, money in the budget is not enough even for theft! ******

In the questionnaire, which I filled before surgery, was the question: ‘Who to call in case of emergency? “
I wrote: “A qualified surgeon.”
The operation was successful. ******

Central Bank has issued a blue “Olympic” hundred-ruble note! According to tradition, introduced a new degree of protection note – it can not burn, she always goes out. ******

There is a bulldog on the street. Sees on the balcony of a poodle.
– Come out to the street, to run about together!
– I can not! I’ve got locked up!
– Well, here jump from the balcony!
– No! .. I do not want a face like yours! ******

– Here is a take from fatigue, it is – from nervous tension, and this – from depression.
– Thank you, Doctor, thank you very much … And you have nothing but vodka, no? ******

Putin had divorced. Medvedev is of feminine coat and glasses. It would seem that what is the connection? ******

Want to hear all the possible tone of the word “hello”? Call Grandma and shut the phone. ******

Piglet decided to run across a busy highway … Since that time, the expression “turn on a dime.” ******

Man comes into the store to choose a gift to his wife on New Year’s Eve.
Saleswoman says:
– Let me see it .. And no, it’s not that ..
And there’s something .. And no, it’s expensive ..
And here it is .. And it’s not cheap ..
The girl, but if I were you my wife, what would you like?
– Another man! ******

Man – a girl when meeting:
– She does not want to go to the movies and potr.h.tsya?
Gets a slap in the face, saying: – What are you smart aleck!
– Well, I’m sorry. How do I know, what you do not like the movie? ******

– Dad, what is the chain of command?
– Imagine, my son, that our people – it’s a clenched fist. A chain of command – is sticking out of the middle finger knuckle. ******

Sitting in a room two brothers. Phone call. One brother picks it up:
– Peter, it’s you.
– Brother, if this is Mary, Lisa and Natasha, I was not, and if it’s Kate and Marina, I’ll take it.
– This is a venereal disease … ******

A conversation between two secretaries:
– This is a terrible invention – a typewriter!
– Why?
– When not working, all at once heard! ******

– Honey, I have two news for you: good and bad.
– What is it?
– I’m from you!
– Thus, so chudnenko! The bad news? … ******

Decrepit, but the wealthy banker Rabinovich marry young. Comes to the doctor and asks:
– Doctor, do, please, so that my marriage was not just a formality.
The doctor examines him and says:
– Alas, you have no help.
– A royal jelly?
– Jacob Sruilovich, I can prescribe a bee milk. I can even make it so that you will begin to hum. But the sting – this excuse! ******

Odessa. Two houses on top of each other, One lady takes off clothes, the other hangs dried.
What a conversation
– Rose, and you padl0!
– I padl0?! Yes you padl0 itself!
– No, you do not padl0, you fool!
– Who, me stupid?! Yes, you are very stupid!
– Ah well!! Then you tselka!
– Who, me tselka? Yes Schaub on your forehead so the hole was, as I tselka! ******

Sherlock Homs and Dr. Watson were flying in a balloon. Then suddenly a hurricane ..
Drifted off somewhere, lost. It is necessary to know where were. Went down below, looking patsanchik decimated in the field. We decided to ask him where they were. Landed, Holmes went to find out:
– You did not tell me where we are? – Asks Holmes.
– In the box – the guy responsible.
– Thank you – said Holmes, returning to the cradle, Watson says:
– We brought in Russian, Watson.
– How did you know that it is in Russia? After all, the guy gave a vague answer!
– Why, it’s elementary, Watson. This guy is a programmer. Only the programmer can give a precise answer, and at the same time meaningless.
– But why did you decide that we are all the same in Russia?
– Yes, because the only Russian programmers mow the grass .. ******

Bought Vasily sofa. Brought home and said Petka:
– Petka, I’m on it first Nochka pohraplyu and see – as he squeaks al not, and then you’ll lie and you Nochka today on the floor to take a nap!
Petka and agreed to lay down on the floor. Wakes up at night, cold, blowing from all cracks, eggs were the size of a bean, in short – very cold. Picked up and threw Vasily Ivanovich on the floor. Nestled comfortably on the couch and fell asleep.
Meanwhile, Vasily wanted the toilet. Petka asleep, and then scream at the whole hut:
– Peeeetkaaaaaaa! Turn on the light, I can not get off the couch!

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